Will you be my Valiumtine?

<div class="section1"><div class="Normal">What a pathetic symbol of true love we''ve been saddled with this Valentine''s Day - the Teflon-tampon pair of Charles and Camilla. I can''t think of a less romantic relationship, even if the old chap went down on one knee, and managed to rise without feeling benighted. And what was our earlier choice? The sordid oral view of the Kareena-Khan clinch.Hallelujah, halitosis!<br /><br />We deserve no better. We''ve totally outsourced love to the marketplace, and peddled it to the lowest voyeur. So now that romance has been handed the pink slip - on a heart-shaped pink cushion - let us re-deploy our gooey songs to other departments. <br /><br />Since elections entail much cooing and wooing, Lalu can Presley his case with Sonia, wringing out: "It''s now or never./Just heed my plight./Forget that Shibu,/Be mine tonight!/Tomorrow may seal our fate./It''s now or never./Your shove can wait."<br /><br />Sting''s famous surveillance anthem is especially adept at multi-tasking. "Every breath you take..." need not be the sole right of RAW, the Election Commission or conscientious pulmonary specialists. The Pakistan cricket board''s been singing an adaptation, "Every stadium you don''t make,/Every Modi you don''t shake,/Every Sainik with a rake,/We''ll be watching you." It''s infectious. The human rights-wallis have been chanting it to the AIDS vaccine-<span style="" font-style:="" italic="">wallahs</span>: "Every volunteer you prick,/Every trial falling sick,/We''ll be watching you."<br /><br /></div> </div><div class="section2"><div class="Normal">The same unblinking Open Eyes policy led to the Supreme Court grounding both public and private high-flyers. Earlier, it had ticked off the government vis a vis ITC with: "Every ordinance you pass/Every excise you amass,/We''ll be watching you." The cover version it warbled last week wobbled sundry sellular operators: "Every call you make,/Every loan you fake,/We''ll be watching you."<br /><br />Of course, the pulled-up parties don''t just submissively pull down their shutters. They patent, or pirate, that defiant number from Mughal-e-Azam. Thus, cell companies and banks audaciously countered, "<span style="" font-style:="" italic="">Jab</span> market <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">kiya</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">to darna kya</span>? Telemarket <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">kiya to darna kya</span>? Sheila-Leela <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">ne</span> call <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">kiya</span>,/<span style="" font-style:="" italic="">Koi</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">chori</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">nahin</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">ki</span>./Special offer <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">diya</span>./<span style="" font-style:="" italic="">Chup</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">chup</span> PIL <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">bharna</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">kya</span>?/<span style="" font-style:="" italic="">Jab</span> call <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">kiya</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">to</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">marna</span>, <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">kya</span>?"<br /><br />Indeed, this refrain has as many permutations as a home loan — and has been resorted to by those with expired leases. Negar Khan tried a jiggly-wiggly version of it on the Mumbai police: "<span style="" font-style:="" italic="">Jab</span> item <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">kiya</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">to</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">darna</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">kya</span>/Steamy video <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">kiya</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">to</span> deporting <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">kya</span>? <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">Khullam</span> visa <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">liya</span>,/<span style="" font-style:="" italic="">Koi</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">chori</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">nahin</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">thi</span>./Just jobs <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">kiya</span>./<span style="" font-style:="" italic="">Chup</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">chup</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">paisa</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">bharna</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">kyon</span>?/<span style="" font-style:="" italic="">Jab</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">matka</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">kiya</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">to</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">yeh</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">jhatka</span> <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">kyon</span>?" <span style="" font-style:="" italic="">Jahanpanah</span>, aka the police commissioner, remained implacable, and said, "Nor- way!" to her plea to stay on. The background swelled to the strains of "Can''t you feel the shove tonight?"<br /><br />With India Rising, everyone wants to knock three times on the FDI ceiling. The world Beatles a path to our door, crooning: "If there''s equity that you want,/If there''s anything FII can dooo,/Just call on me,/And I''ll send it along,/With love from me to MoU."<br /><br />So, this Valentine''s Day, now that rampant materialism is finally no longer a Sinatra, every consumerist heart can order that Hintalian favourite, "Woh la re!"<br /><br /><br />Alec Smart said: "In the Year of the Rooster, some will be the cock of the walk; others will remain hen-pecked."</div> </div>